WHATEVER: Fatherhood and Pie
People who don’t have have kids often think about children as a matter of what they require from you (time, money, attention), which are resources taken away from other things. And this is of course entirely true, but only half the equation, since you also get something from your kids in return. I mean, having a kid is a lot of work, but having a kid is also a lot of fun: The reason parents burble on mindlessly about whatever allegedly amusing damn-fool thing their kid did today is because they’re having a ball raising that child, and all those clichéd moments of domestic gooeyness are, in fact, different when they’re happening to you. Kids are not merely a black hole of needs, sucking away your time, money and youth. They are also entertaining.
This was in response to a reader question for the author: How has fatherhood changed you? What is your experience like as a father? How has it changed your relationship with your wife?
You know, not to steal a guy’s reader-question, but I’m going to take a stab at this as well:
First, to the guy a few days ago who told me:
“When you finally, really have your own kids, you’ll understand how much a parent invests in their child.”
Fuck. Off.
Now then:
How has fatherhood changed you?
a. I get annoyed more often.
b. It bothers me more when I act out of anger.
c. I appreciate my parents even more for putting up with my adolescent shit.
What is your experience like as a father?
Well, it’s a dysfunctional marriage of frustration and pride. I see in Justin such a potentially great kid mired under so much learned, spirit-deep laziness shiftiness, thanks to his mother. That woman’s life is a virus that infected this kid.
How has it changed your relationship with your wife?
Whoo. That’s a doozy. Folks sometimes forget that Jackie and I were married about… two months before Justin moved in. I think this task we’ve set ourselves would be impossible without the mutual support that each of us brings to the other — you just can’t be strong all the time, and you can’t be sure that what you’re doing is the right thing, or the wrong thing, or whatever (also, none of our friends having kids Justin’s age has been more of a challenge than I thought it would be) — you need that other person there, so in that regard it’s made me appreciate Jackie that much more*. I’m reminded every day how strong she is, and also that she’s generally a lot nicer person than I am, especially when something is frustrating me. She’s a great parent, she makes good decisions, and she never says “because I said so”.
Also, it’s forced Jackie and I to communicate more effectively about stuff that would normally go unsaid, because it’s NEVER so apparent that we haven’t communicated as when one of us does something important in a parental role without consulting the other person first. It pisses me off when Jackie does it and it pisses her off when I do it, so we both try hard not to do it. Not always successfully, but there you go.
* — Single parents. My god, single parents. How on earth do you do it?
