There’s a scene in Notting Hill where, after dinner, the dinner guests all sit around and decide who is going to get the last remaining brownie. Determining the winner for this contest is simple — everyone shares what a miserable, fucked-up day they had and the person with the MOST miserable, fucked-up day wins the brownie.
Ladies and gentleman, today I won the brownie.
Now i realize that this morning I was talking about the new crappy weather, so let me first say that the weather does not factor appreciably into this story at all. Physically, minus my burgeoning ulcer, I am fine.
The day starts with the drive to Fort Collins, during which I was reflecting on the fact that I’m something of an idiot.
You see, during my period of unemployment, the tags for my pickup expired. Obviously, since I wasn’t driving or making money, this event ranked pretty low on the ‘shit I need to worry about right now’ meter.
So I put it off.
My new job turned out to be about three minutes away from the house and I had lot of other things to put the money towards, so you’ll understand that once I was making money again the registration just didn’t make the radar screen.
I want to point out — I let the registration go, but there has never been a period during which my vehicle has not been fully insured… I consider that to be a far more serious and potentionally devastating lapse in responsibility than making sure the DOT has my auto tax for the year.
Anyway as most of you know I’ve been driving up to Fort Collins for work related stuff for awhile now. That is not a three minute drive — it’s a bit more like three hours, round trip, and as I drove the distance this morning, I was thinking to myself “You know, you’ll be home early today, and you’ve got the refi money, you really need to get your tags renewed (yeah, I took my own sweet time, but at least I was thinking about it — on the Evil Scale of 1 to 10, this is about a 3, max).
Anyway, the cherries flashed on in my review about the same time I was thinking this. Sort of ironic, but I think I missed that nuance at the time.
I pulled onto an exit ramp and from there onto a side road about five miles short of my destination. While I dug for paperwork I knew I didn’t have, Doogie Hauser got out of the Highway Patrol car.
I’m not kidding people. If he had to shave every day, or had been out of the ‘academy’ for more than 6 months, I’ll eat my hat.
Doogie was hardcore. Doogie was very serious.
Doogie ‘caught’ me because he was driving in the passing lane, running the plates of every single car he went by.
Now, he pulled me over because I didn’t have current registration — he knew that, but asked for it anyway and then scolded me when I said I didn’t have it.
Scolded. Yeah. It gets better.
The bottom line of our little encounter was that I had to get a temporary registration for that day before I was driving the car another inch, because ‘you have no business having that car on the road’ — said as though it was a smoking death trap.
I HAVE INSURANCE. Full coverage. All I did was not pay the taxes that give you the nice sunglasses, Doogie.
But no. Death trap. Had to get registration.
“Okay, lead me to the court house.”
Nope. I can’t drive the truck there. Eets eeleegal.
“Okay, I’ll call Enterprise and get a car down here, drive that up there, and…”
Nope. He can’t let me ‘abandon’ my vehicle. Abandon. In a Texaco Parking Lot. Maybe someone could come up and watch my car?
Everyone I know is out of town or working a very very long way away. Work is short-staffed for the holidays. There is no one.
Well, I guess that means he calls a tow-truck.
Wanna know how much they charge to drive down the highway five miles and tow my truck back five miles?
No you don’t. Suffice it to say it was very nearly a car payment. I almost choked.
So… tow truck guy drops me off, I call Enterprise, who picks me up. I go get temporary registration, take the car back, get dropped off, pay the ridiculous towing fee —
Wait. They don’t run plastic? Or take checks? Cash only?
HOW much?
Where’s the nearest ATM? It’s twenty-three degrees out. Can you give me a lift?
No? Not even for 200+ dollars? Really?
Really.
It was noon before I got to the client’s office.
I’m not going into the rest of my day, but suffice it to say that it would have SUCKED DONKEY BALLS without the highway patrol.
And I get to wait two months to get this crap taken care of at the courthouse. The fine will be the SMALLEST fee I have to pay in any of this.
Where? Oh, the courthouse is in Fort Collins as well, so I guess I can’t sell my truck just yet. :P
