So I’m compulsive. Borderline Obsessive/Compulsive, actually, which is not the jolly bag of fun it might sound like although I can usually turn it to my advantage. Something I need to get done? No problem: all I have to do is get started on the job and let my own (un)natural disposition handle the rest. The downside is that most everything other than The Thing gets shoved to the side of my mental highway, but the job in question does get done.

There are of course problems with this. I have to be become really careful paranoid about what sort of things I get commited to because I could very easily find myself involved in some project that (a) isn’t fulfilling (b) takes so long to finish that other important things get neglected for too long (c) is too long/boring/useless to finish, forcing me to abandon it, which in turn leads to a vague ‘failure depression’ during which I get even less done.

It’s not as bad as it sounds, but I like doing things right when I do them, and knowing that there’s a way to avoid even the vague possibility (and that’s really all the chance there is) of doing a half-assed job makes me want to always do things the ‘perfect’ way.

It’s this ‘being careful about commitments’ thing that is currently busting my chops. I have a project I really need to get started on in earnest (second draft book stuff which I’d optimistically hoped to be done with by now, since I’ve got other new things I want to be writing), but I also have this big vacation trip coming up very soon, so I don’t want to start the project until that’s over and done with.

“But Doyce, surely those two wildly different projects wouldn’t conflict with each other?”

Doesn’t matter. Once I get started on something, not only do I not put time into anything else, I don’t put interest or enthusiasm into anything else (friends who’ve been subjected to my sudden lack of any and all interest in [topic x] can attest to this). I know this about myself, so I’m not thrilled about the idea of digging into the rewriting just before the trip, because I really want to have interest and enthusiasm for the trip, and I really want to do a solid job on the second drafts — basically <pessimism>both things won’t happen at the same time for me. Trying to do both would probably mean that both would be unsatisfying or not as satisfying since neither would be getting the amount of attention my (Ob/Comp) brain wants to give it.</pessimism>

Yes, I know it’s fucked up; there’s a reason they don’t call it an Obsessive/Compulsive Gift.

Anyway, there’s my self-absorbed “I’m the only one who has mental hang-ups” personal drama post for ‘03. Off we go.

No, you're not alone. I am over the borderline, having been diagnosed with O/C disorder years back. It canbe fun telling stories on retrospect, but when the fit is hitting the shan, it is no fun.

Wow... I can certainly relate. I just finished linking a book I've been reading to help with that (and other things) on my sidebar so it's weird to come across this post immediately afterward. The book is called A Guide to Rational Living and it's kind of a primer to rational emotive behavior therapy. It sounds like you're already seeing someone about the situation, but if not you may want to check out the book or some websites about that kind of therapy. It's helped me a good deal since I've started reading it. Ugh, this sounds like an advertisement or something, but it's really not.

Doyce,
After college, I worked in a group home for the mentally ill. The people who lived there were well past the border of mental illness, dealing with schizophrenia, substance abuse, OCD, depression, eating disorders, or some combination of disorders. If I looked closely at any of them, I could always see similar thoughts and actions in myself, to a (somewhat) lesser degree.
The common theme between people there, or anywhere, who get better, is insight. Insight into the triggers that cause the problems, and insight into the need to develop and implement strategies to deal with the problems. Once people really have that, everything else always seems to fall in to place. You seem to have plenty of insight into the whys and hows of what you need to do, all that is left is to do it. Which is where I always end up falling down. :) Michael